MY MS Story Part III - My MS Guide

It took me several weeks to physically recover from that first MS Flare that lead to my diagnosis. I stayed with my dad at his house so that I would have someone living with me for awhile to help me until I got past the fatigue and sheer exhaustion. During this time period I would drive to my apartment which was 1 hour away to check on things, get the mail etc...

I also kept appointments again with my therapist Linda. I began seeing Linda about 1 month prior to my hospitalization and diagnosis. Suffering from extremely bad anxiety attacks (as if there is another kind), going to the ER at least a handful of times in the past 2 months, I knew I needed to find a way past this anxiety. This was my first experience with it, I had never been an anxious person in the past. Anxiety seemed to come on all of a sudden this past winter and I had no explanation for it. That and I was always exhausted. I would come home from working 8 hours and fall asleep at 6pm till the next morning - I felt like a truck hit me. I blamed the long, dreary, cold Pennsylvania winters.

I hate PA winters. I lived in Florida for a few years in the 1990's and the winters in the south, they were sunny and well, much better. Now, divorced and back in PA to be near my family, I had to suffer the winter blues again. Grey, yucky skies from Nov - April - even if it wasn't snowing or raining. Yuck. But, I digress...

Linda had seen me about 2 times a week for the first month of our visits until my hospitalization. After I felt better and well enough to resume my appointments I called and setup my next appointment. I had told Linda about my entire life history in my first few meetings with her and she knew my mother had Progressive MS while I was growing up. And then I called her from the hospital to cancel an appointment and told her that I was diagnosed with MS and about my Optic Neuritis and I would call her to reschedule when I was feeling better. So, I went and met with Linda and told her about my whole experience from the double vision to the Ophthalmologist to the ER and Diagnosis. I went on for almost the entire hour with her that I had. She sat and listened not interrupting me at all this session, just listened to me.

She listened to me being scared to death with the thoughts that I have MS and I would have the same short and disabled lifespan as my mother. I was divorced and not dating and who would want to date me now. Who would love me? Who would want to be with me ever again? How was I going to fight this disease that had no cure? Why should I bother? The usual feelings you have when first diagnosed - especially if you had no idea anything was wrong with you in the first place. At the end of the session after hearing everything I had to say and tell her, she said to me, I've been thinking about this for weeks now since you called from the hospital and you need to hear this. You need to know. I said "Yes". Linda said "I have MS".

I was in shock. MS was no longer was about me or my mother. This able bodied woman, who physically had no viewable signs of the disease just told me she has MS. This woman who can walk, goes to the gym, got her PHD in psychology, has 2 children and a husband, goes to church and does things in the community, has MS. How could this be? How can she have MS for 20+ years and still be walking and functioning as usual? How? How? How?

The only other thing Linda said to me that day was - I had to tell you. You had to see that not everyone with MS goes down the same path as your mother did.

She was right, I really needed to see that. I was certain I would be just like my mother. I went home in amazement. And not to get religious on you or anything, but, to this day, I really feel like it was a "God" thing that Linda was my therapist. I have faith, I am a believer. I believe he sent her to me, to guide me over the first year of my diagnosis. God knew this would happen, he knew I needed to see a "healthy" person with MS and have someone to show me the way. That there were other ways besides ending up in a wheelchair, bedridden and on machines to live. You will hear me speak of Linda again in my blog. She has had the most positive impact in my life thus far. More on Linda and My Life with MS to come...